Love & Vodka by R.J. Fox

Author:R.J. Fox
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Fish Out of Water Books
Published: 2016-09-15T00:00:00+00:00

20

BOBBY VS. THE CHAMPION

E ach day of my trip promised new adventure. It’s not too often that you have the opportunity to completely surrender to happenstance. Considering how routine the patterns of regular life can be, this was a refreshing change of pace. For instance: one moment, I was being mauled by a horny, out-of-control, vomiting Ukrainian woman, hell bent on getting back at her parents; the next moment, I was setting sail on a radioactive river, which was, of course, a safer alternative than swimming in it.

Two days after the infamous “clubbing incident,” we were all invited on a boat trip by a former colleague of Sergei’s from the university. While driving to the marina late that morning, Sergei threw me off guard when he asked out of the blue:

“Bobby, do you have a gift?”

“A gift?” I asked, confused.

“Da! For the Champion,” Sergei replied.

“What champion?” I asked.

Katya explained that although Sergei’s colleague’s real name was Nicholai—he was affectionately known as “The Champion,” a title he had earned as a world champion rower.

“Is it the Champion’s birthday?” I naively asked.

“Nyet!” replied Sergei. “But in Ukraine it is customary to bring a gift when paying somebody a visit.”

“I didn’t know. I’m very sorry,” I replied, flustered. “Can we stop at a store for some vodka or something?”

“I was hoping you had something from America to give to him,” Sergei said, at which point Katya scolded her father for being so rude.

“Just ignore him,” Katya said. “We’re bringing candy and vodka. It’ll be from all of us.”

We arrived at a marina, which appeared to be pulling double duty as a junkyard. We were eagerly greeted by Nicholai, his wife, Svetlana, and their two über-athletic children, Kostya and Anastasia. I could tell immediately that if Kostya were American, he would undoubtedly be the star quarterback of his high school football team; and Anastasia would be the cheerleading captain.

It also didn’t take me long to realize that Kostya had his sights set on Katya. I found myself desperately resisting the urge to grow jealous. After all, the quarterback always gets the girl—especially when the only competition is a scrawny little writer-wannabe.

Inside the marina, the Champion showed off his collection of rowing trophies.

“Were you in the Olympics?” I asked.

“No. However, I should have been,” the Champion replied regretfully. Without further elaboration, and quickly changing the subject, the Champion turned toward his son.

“Kostya! Go and grab your weights. Show Bobby what you can do.”

Kostya darted out of the room. Seconds later, he returned with two enormous, old-fashioned dumbbells.

“What’s going on?” I asked Katya.

“Kostya will demonstrate his weight-lifting ability.”

Of course, I thought to myself. This was a perfectly normal thing to do to entertain your guests.

Kostya began doing curls. Everyone counted along, clapping in rhythm to provide encouragement (as though he needed it). He grunted louder and louder with each curl. When he was done, he let out a wild, primal scream. For a brief moment, I was certain he was about turn into the Ukrainian Hulk.

“Well, then.

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